Some Nights

Some nights, I am content with myself. Other nights I feel like I’m completely defeated with only the smell of poison on my lips. I ask myself the same question over and over again

“Where were you?”

Where were you that night? Where were you when I was drowning myself? Where were you when I was lying on the floor, barely conscious; barely breathing? I know: you were feeling something I haven’t felt in a while. You were happy. Even now, I still wait for the day when I will be as happy as you. He said I wait with only the company of alcohol, with the companionship of addition, and with the comfort of depression. I’ve waited so long that I’ve even attempted to reach for happiness. But it’s impossible to touch with even my fingertips from how far I’ve fallen. For now, I can’t even see it. I can’t see past tomorrow for who knows what the “future” will bring. But what’s the point of looking that far if your eyes are glued to the bottom of the bottle? All I could ever say to you is –

There it goes again. That lump in my throat enters in uninvited. It always keeps my words locked up and throws the key away so that no one will be able to hear what I really have to say. How long will it be until I burst from hiding everything? I’m an expert at lying but terrible at convincing everyone I’m “alright.” I can’t even speak the phrase “I am okay.” They are filled with too much deception. I am still waiting for the day when you will change my perception. Patiently waiting right where you left me the last time.

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